I'm sitting here writing this and I am experiencing an abundance of emotions... and they are all of the negative variety. Look away now if you are not in the mood for that.
I'm filled with confusion about this disease that I have. Just why was I picked to get this? 95% of the human population carry the EB virus so why does it mutate in only a few of us? And why do most people get cured with just first line treatment? What is it that makes me so fucking special that I have to undergo a full-scale chemical and radioactive war with the addition of a transplant to get rid of it? All my life I've been Mr. Average. The one time I actually want and need to be average and I'm fucking "special."
I'm filled with a deep, consuming sadness. Hodgkins Warriors are falling. Why is this allowed to happen? How do families pick themselves up when people so young die? Why am I still here when others are not? I don't understand.
Mostly, I'm filled with fear. In the pit of my stomach I don't believe my fight with this disease is over yet. I can't explain it. It is a rumble in my guts that are just there and it scares me senseless. I think I want my chest alien cut out. We're not friends anymore and I need it to seek new living accommodation.
Finally, I'm pissed off and angry. I feel I'm being pushed into making choices and decisions that I don't need or am not ready to make yet. I'm pissed about having to be the happy, smiley cancer bloke at work because people will be uncomfortable otherwise. That never used to bother me but for some reason it does now. I don't know if it is the spate of bad news for people I have grown to love recently or if it is just that I am so damn tired now that the plastered on mask is starting to peel at the foundation. My eyes are constantly watery.
"Cheer up. It's not like you have cancer now!"... Very fucking funny. I've had 18months of treatment; if I want a bad day I'll have a bad day. I don't need people pulling out their little book of medical facts and wanting to know why I needed this extra treatment. "It's Hodgkins. Everyone gets cured of that."
NO, THEY DON'T!
Oh, and I don't have HIV or AIDS either. Thanks for that little gem, internet medical sites.
So now I find myself stuck at another of lifes forks in the road. I seem to have met an unusual amount of these in the past two years. Do I take the road to breakdown or breakthrough? Breakdown seems like the easy way out and breakthrough looks damn scary. For example, I think I may have to look for work elsewhere as the 90mile a day round trip to the office is not being beneficial to my tiredness or sanity. Moving on would mean I could be anonymous again; just a face in the office and not "cancer boy." That would be a breakthrough whereas staying still is the easy option but could lead to the breakdown.
Lord, I need an epiphany.
(and just a little bit more inner strength, if You would be so kind)