Sunday, January 20, 2008

I'm sitting here writing this and I am experiencing an abundance of emotions... and they are all of the negative variety. Look away now if you are not in the mood for that.

I'm filled with confusion about this disease that I have. Just why was I picked to get this? 95% of the human population carry the EB virus so why does it mutate in only a few of us? And why do most people get cured with just first line treatment? What is it that makes me so fucking special that I have to undergo a full-scale chemical and radioactive war with the addition of a transplant to get rid of it? All my life I've been Mr. Average. The one time I actually want and need to be average and I'm fucking "special."
I'm filled with a deep, consuming sadness. Hodgkins Warriors are falling. Why is this allowed to happen? How do families pick themselves up when people so young die? Why am I still here when others are not? I don't understand.
Mostly, I'm filled with fear. In the pit of my stomach I don't believe my fight with this disease is over yet. I can't explain it. It is a rumble in my guts that are just there and it scares me senseless. I think I want my chest alien cut out. We're not friends anymore and I need it to seek new living accommodation.
Finally, I'm pissed off and angry. I feel I'm being pushed into making choices and decisions that I don't need or am not ready to make yet. I'm pissed about having to be the happy, smiley cancer bloke at work because people will be uncomfortable otherwise. That never used to bother me but for some reason it does now. I don't know if it is the spate of bad news for people I have grown to love recently or if it is just that I am so damn tired now that the plastered on mask is starting to peel at the foundation. My eyes are constantly watery.
"Cheer up. It's not like you have cancer now!"... Very fucking funny. I've had 18months of treatment; if I want a bad day I'll have a bad day. I don't need people pulling out their little book of medical facts and wanting to know why I needed this extra treatment. "It's Hodgkins. Everyone gets cured of that."
Oh, and I don't have HIV or AIDS either. Thanks for that little gem, internet medical sites.

So now I find myself stuck at another of lifes forks in the road. I seem to have met an unusual amount of these in the past two years. Do I take the road to breakdown or breakthrough? Breakdown seems like the easy way out and breakthrough looks damn scary. For example, I think I may have to look for work elsewhere as the 90mile a day round trip to the office is not being beneficial to my tiredness or sanity. Moving on would mean I could be anonymous again; just a face in the office and not "cancer boy." That would be a breakthrough whereas staying still is the easy option but could lead to the breakdown.

Lord, I need an epiphany.

(and just a little bit more inner strength, if You would be so kind)


Kelly Kane said...

Aww Wullster, I know what you're feeling. And you know what - as good as your company was while you were out - you're right, if its not helping your sanity, if you feel like weird sicky dude all the time - maybe it'll make you happy to make a change.

I'm going to call you and the Mrs now.

Duane said...

Hey buddy,

I'm in agreement with Kelly. Perhaps this is an opportunity for change, for something new. And I so understand about the hope and fear. It's like balancing yourself on a tightrope over a bottomless gorge.

BTW, go Giants and Scotland's proud son, Lawrence Tynes! Tynes will lead us to victory! LOL :)

Adrienne said...

I hear ya. Thanks for saying what we all think but are too polite to say so. Sometimes when people ask how I or Adrienne is, I want to say "f--ing awful, how about you?" But we don't. We keep smiling and trying to live a normal life, and that's what we want for you.

Bekah said...

When you say you need a bit more strength, you underestimate yourself Wullie.

As Alison said, you are saying the things we all wish we had the guts to.

I feel as though you're headed to Alabama soon? Seeing Jon possibly as well?

I hope your trip is as amazing as you and your wife.

Tons of Love,


BaldyLocks said...

This is some scary shit, for sure. I know how it feels to come out alone and I've asked myself those same questions.

People seem to think there is an end date and we go back to everything as usual but also with a new zest for life. It's never the same after.

I wish it was.

I applaud your honesty...And if I ever make a T-shirt out of that photo, you'll be the first to get one!

Me said...

i dont know what to say
thinking bout ya

Bekah said...

ps - think you're pretty amazing.