Now, maybe, the English led sports media will take a reality check.

Day + 146

Hey! You know what really grinds my gears? Tiredness... and not just any old tiredness. Man, I am cabbaged. I just cannot seem to get out of the cycle of fatigue that I am stuck in. I'm on a one day on one day off routine right now and it is annoying. I go back to work next Monday (on a phased return; 3 days a week) so I'm hoping that might knock me into shape. I've been working from home these last few days so my brain still works... which is a bonus.

You know what else grinds my gears? People telling me I look great. I can't tell if people are talking about the amount of weight I've lost or the fact that I look better after transplant. I suspect for the majority of people it is because I am thinner. and the shallowness of that actually hurts. Not one person has ever said "You look great but how do you feel?". I feel shite, by the way!

The final thing that grinds my gears?
Depression.
I haven't been this low since my collapse at the end of SCT. Talking to my onc nurse a couple of weeks ago lifted me out of it but I'm afraid I've let myself sink back in. I see her again tomorrow so maybe she can give me a lift again.
I now suffer from many side-effects as a result of all my treatment:-

1) Severe fatigue... as moaned about above.
2) I can't feel my toes unless it is cold and then they hurt like hell. This is called neuropathy.
3) Lost about 60lbs coz of SCT and radio
4) Still can't eat properly and need morphine every now and again for throat pain
5) My hair has turned black and I need to shave my back! I'm turning into a silver-back mountain gorilla.
6) Paranoia about twinges in my neck
7) Veins are hard as rock.
8) Chemo-brain
9) No tolerance for trivial matters.
10) Depression... the worst of the lot.


On much happier news all my bone marrow tests came back as good or excellent. I have no sign of pre-leukaemic cells, the stem cells have engrafted nicely, my bone marrow is functioning as it should be at this stage and there is ZERO sign of The Hodge. It couldn't be better really.
Veronica and I have book our wee trip away to Boston, MA next year. We arrive on the 26th June for 7 days and are really looking forward to meeting the people who have helped us during our difficult times. We'll obviously miss the kiddies but will enjoy our first taste of freedom since Erin was born as best we can. Getting travel insurance is proving difficult but I just need to find that specialist cancer one!!
Talking of the weans, they got a mention in the Lymphoma Association quarterly newsletter. You can check it out here. They actually raised over £2100 pounds when you include the amount my company raised but for some reason they ignored everything my work did! The newsletter is actually a pretty good read so please have a look.

So, apologies for the fairly down post. This is probably why I haven't updated for so long. I'm now just keeping my head down and focusing on the trip to the States. It is giving me something to really look forward too.