Pretty uneventful, these last few days.
Got in the car for the first time in what must be 2 months and took a drive out to PC World to get a cable for the new computer we've bought for Erin. 30mins each way and I managed to buy the wrong damn thing... bit embarrassing really, seeing as I work in IT! I just could not find the energy to drive back and change it so I nipped onto ebay and bought one there at a third of the price of rip-off-World.
I now have my pre-transplant cardiology tests tomorrow. The hospital 'phoned this afternoon and Veronica took the call. They have a cancellation and could I make it in tomorrow at 0810! Veronica agreed to it on my behalf but unfortunately didn't ask what the tests are so I have no idea how long I'll be in or what they will do to me. I've tried to Google for info but can't really find any.
Generally I'm feeling OK but pretty low, if I'm honest. I know I shouldn't get frustrated at my lack of energy and I am definitely getting stronger everyday but every time I need to go for an afternoon kip I feel I am wasting time that I should be spending with the girls before transplant. I think I may have to take Veronica's advice and see a councillor. I don't want to end up getting a depression on top of everything else and maybe offloading to someone "not involved" is the way forward. I'll mull it over for a day or two.
I wish I could be a bit more upbeat like Kelly Kane over at Chemopalooza. Her blog is real fun and uplifting... this one just seems to be turning into some sort of morbid rant! I don't recall feeling like this at all during my ABVD treatment so I guess this is all just because of the relapse and the fact that I am currently in between treatments, in between scans and still not totally 100% sure what lies ahead... I hate the feeling that The Hodge might still be there but nothing is being done to it for a few week allowing it to regroup for another attack.
Sorry for this entry. Maybe this is the way I should off-load as I feel better for it.
Doesn't make good reading though!
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ME!!
My journey through the hell of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The next person to tell me that it "isn't a real cancer" will get a good kicking.
ME!!
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- Wullie
- 32 year old male living in Braco, Scotland with my wife, 2 daughters and 2 dogs. In between looking after my weans I'm kicking the arse out the cancer I was gifted with
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5 comments:
Upbeat, shmupbeat.......just keep it real - you're doing brilliantly. Everyone I speak to says how amazingly you're doing. You've been doing this for very nearly a year now, stop beating yourself up - you're allowed to grumble and moan (until you're back to strength then I'll kick your butt every time you so much as DARE frown!!)
OK - nagging over (for now, anyways!)
Love you, ya miserable git!........xxx
Wullie your wife is right, you're totally allowed to moan and groan all you want!! A relapse sucks, and you're allowed to say whatever you want! I'm glad you like my blog, it was probably a little more cranky a few months ago - now that I officially don't have cancer anymore, I'm a little happier :) I'll keep checking back for updates, as Chris says, Keep your pecker up!
Kelly
Your blog is great, Wullie - a real reflection of how far you have had to travel in dealing with the cancer - and it also reveals your true depth of character - inspiring! What good would a sugar-coated story be to you or anyone else!? It's the honesty that makes it so powerful.
Best wishes for tomorrow, Cath
Hey Wullie, I'm thinking good thoughts for you, I read on the lymphoma board that you spent some time in the ER last night! Fingers are crossed and will keep checking back for updates!
It's very very different having treatment for relapse to having regular ABVD. When I had ABVD I had the whole cheerful, upbeat thing - I believed it would cure me, I was pretty well all through and I could carry on with school so I had plenty of distractions. Personally I found relapse meant that I lost that feeling that more relapses and death wouldn't happen to me. I had many more side effects from the treatments, I was frightened and I was so sick and tired (like you I never really went into remission, so I'd been in treatment non-stop for 1 year and a quarter when I had my transplant). I felt really down before transplant and was all worried that my 'bad attitude' would mean that treatment might not work so well.
I think relapsed Hodgkin's is very different from standard Hodgkin's. You're doing fine. It's OK to moan and groan - it sucks.
I'm now four and a half years in remission. I'm doing great. But I never really got back that upbeat "won't happen to me" attitude. I think it's normal. Relapse changes you and brings it all home a lot more. I don't think that it makes you less of a person or anything.
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